


King Robert Does Not Approve of Your Crack Fic

by matan4il



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate History, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack historical AU, M/M, Possible Threesome, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 04:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10846584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matan4il/pseuds/matan4il
Summary: As far as the history books go, Robert the Schemer was probably never going to go down as the best king Scotland ever had.Here be historical crack.





	King Robert Does Not Approve of Your Crack Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * For [afra_schatz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/afra_schatz/gifts).



> This is pure, historical crack fic. Emphasis on the crack. I don't know, I blame all of this on afra_schatz. Because if I don't, I'll have no one to blame but myself. I hope you enjoy this, sweetheart! <3 Also, this got longer than I intended it to be. I was going for 2-3 paragraphs and now look what I've done. :o I apologize, sincerely, to history and to everyone. Especially the various people of the British Islands. Nothing is intended as an insult to you or your beautiful accents, they're all equally exotic and gorgeous (and only slightly incomprehensible) to me. 
> 
> Please don't take any offence with regards to historical accuracy. I tried to leave the period kind of vague on purpose because doing extensive historical research is really not what I need while in the middle of writing another (serious) historical AU. Your understanding is greatly appreciated. Here's the one bit of research I will share: the word 'chief' came to English through French and originated in the Latin word for 'head', _caput_. Isn't life so much better knowing that?
> 
> In conclusion, this is unbeta'd, unhinged and unjustifiable. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> (constructive criticism greatly appreciated, as always)

As far as the history books go, Robert the Schemer was probably never going to go down as the best king Scotland ever had. Or the second or third best. In fact, there was a whole bunch of kings who would have had to have failed far more spectacularly than they actually did and who would still then end up ahead of Robert. Granted, almost losing the entire kingdom in a game of cards to Ross the Bastard - most universally hated king of England if you were to ask the Scotts (which one always should, if for no other reason but to listen to their brogue) - would certainly do that to a king's reputation.

But if you were to ask Robert the Schemer himself about it, he would have most definitely told you this was all the fault of his cousin, Robert the Inept. Scholars often mention the remarkable physical similarities between these two men, a resemblance which could have easily led one to believe that the two were really one and the same. If you did believe this, however, you would of course have to answer to King Robert for that and he was a monarch not only renowned for his scheming - as his nickname would imply - but also for being a very resentful guy all around. It was never suggested that he had beheaded several people for the very offense of confusing the two practically identical cousins, but it was not suggested mainly out of fear for the necks of the people involved in such suggesting. Not that King Robert wasn't aware of the fact that his cousin could have effortlessly passed for his identical twin, it's more that he suspected this idea - of Robert the Schemer having invented an inept cousin for himself to cover up his own failings - was a malicious lie spread by his opponents, principal among them was Katie the Fallen, Princess of Wales. Hers was a tale of much woe: a young, fair princess with a mysterious tendency to fall quite often, down stairs and various other pieces of construction, whenever in the presence of the would-be Scottish king. Unsurprisingly, she one day found her end… by choking to death on a piece of artichoke. Her parents then published a decree forbidding the fruit throughout their lands, a decree many were outraged by, for it is well known that the artichoke can be classified as either a flower or a vegetable, but not as a fruit. Others of course disagreed, bringing about what could be described as the first fandom war in recorded history.

Not to belabor the point, but Robert the Schemer really could spend entire weeks explaining just how incompetent his cousin was, preferably while using wild hand gestures to fully convey his message. He needed everyone to know just how bad it has _always_ been. Robert's ineptness went all the way back to their time growing up in the same castle together. Back then, the marginally younger cousin had trouble with tasks as simple as getting dressed and showing up in time for their tutoring sessions or faking having heard a strange and suspect sound from the hallway, requiring immediate adult investigation. Living up to these simple tasks may not seem that impactful, but these had been crucial parts of plans that the young schemer had put into gear whenever he tried to secure a good report from his tutor through blackmail. It was a lot harder to extort praise out of the man in charge of their education without sensitive material to hold over his head and it was damn near impossible to get said material when the cousin responsible for distraction failed to show up before the tutoring session was almost over on account of having trouble figuring out which pant went on which leg. Indeed, Robert the Schemer always knew he had a mind meant for greatness and a cousin meant for an early, self-inflicted accidental death, quite possibly involving trees and dangling about from ropes.

The debate still rages on among historians of this particular era in Scotland's history regarding why the two cousins continued to collaborate. The speculations greatly diverge, with some suggesting Robert the Schemer may have simply had no other choice for partner in scheme, as none other would go along with his plans. Which was a pity, for they were undoubtedly the greatest schemes ever devised if King Robert did say so himself. The ruler even made sure official Scottish history accounts would describe them all as greatly thought out plans. He wasn't manipulating the facts, mind you, the king simply had a natural knack for describing history better than anyone else. Really, it was his civic duty to share this gift with the world. His inept cousin would have agreed, most likely, if he could read a book, historic or otherwise. Alas, arriving late to all of those morning tutoring sessions took its toll.

One of the main colossal sche... well thought out plans the two cousins joined forces on was the innovative notion of building a bridge over the sea separating Scotland from England and using it for a surprise attack on English forces. This did not go down as well as one might expect. While Robert the Inept did a surprisingly good job in leading the people in constructing the bridge from Scotland, give or take a collapsed bridge or twelve and _after_ Robert the Schemer managed to talk him out of trying to make it a land bridge - they then discovered that the direction of construction being westward meant they had found themselves among the Irish, whose accent was even more baffling to the two Roberts than the English one.

It was then, as luck would have it, that they were confronted by a very handsome and rugged, yet incredibly angry man, shouting at them in what they could only assume was a made up language. It was not, but fortunately for all involved, the man was slightly more adapt at understanding the king and his cousin's inflection and adjusting accordingly. He proceeded to growl in exasperation at some of the idiotic nonsense they were spouting and then proceeded to identify himself to them. He was Aaron the Angry, Chief of the Irish fighting forces and right hand man of the king. Also, someone who would look damn good in a green kilt, Robert the Schemer realized while having the good sense to keep the observation to himself. He did eye his cousin suspiciously, though, as the younger Robert's smirk and approving bobbing head seemed to imply he had strolled down the same line of thought.

As the Roberts explained to Aaron the Angry who they were and what their purpose was, he seemed quite baffled, eyewitness accounts claim. For it seems that such a story was too idiotic to be true, yet at the same time it would have been even more idiotic for the king and his cousin to use it as an excuse to mask aggressive intentions towards the Irish kingdom. He had resigned himself to bringing the matter before the king, Asley the Harmless. The latter, to no one's surprise (nicknames in Ireland tend to be very accurate depictions of character, it would seem), decided to take the two kings up on their words. He even ordered the Chief of his forces to accompany them in their quest to overthrow Ross the Bastard (a particularly prolific Aaron the Angry expert is absolutely convinced that the subject of his studies had rolled his eyes at the order, reason being he was in no mood to be a companion to these two idiots. A panel discussion of pro's and con's regarding this theory is currently being planned for next June).

The soldiers and camp people who followed the Scottish royals into war, and confusingly on a detour to Ireland (one cook remarks in her recovered diary that as typical men, the cousins must have refused to stop and ask for directions), had come to the conclusion during this period of time that the Roberts must have started developing vision problems since the two seemed incapable of noticing anything other than Aaron the Angry. This impression could have been, of course, nothing but a result of the long hours now shared by the three men out of pure necessity in leading the journey. Surely it was this noble self-sacrificing that compelled the two cousins to spend so much time in the company of the Irishman, as King Robert was now as one example seen complaining of neck pains to the Chief and standing with his back to the latter, pointing exactly at the sore spots while gesturing in what might have seemed (for lack of a better understanding of this delicate situation) as a request for a massage, while Robert the Inept was spotted more than once falling into a stream or stumbling into the path of an approaching horse rider just after bending over right in Aaron's line of sight (which body parts might have been more prominent a second before the fall was utterly irrelevant if one understood the intricacies of diplomatic tie building).

Eventually, the campaign did reach England following such an elusive route that - even though today it is a fact, universally acknowledged, that Ross the Bastard's spies were reporting on the Roberts' movements - they were not intercepted upon arrival due to an inability to estimate where the point of their penetration would be (Aaron the Angry might have smirked when one of the cousins mentioned this term. Well, one cannot be angry constantly, regardless of historical titles). This is how Robert the Schemer had enough time to scout the tavern in a near-by village, mingle with the locals and learn that Ross the Bastard had held regular card games at his castle every Friday for a select group of guests. This was essential information indeed, for the king was aware that as tough as his men were (hey, you try fighting in a kilt in the Scottish weather and we'll see what other option you'd have but to toughen up), they were also drastically outnumbered. After all, there was a reason sea crossing bridges were initially considered for this endeavor. 

Armed with this bit of information, Robert the Schemer immediately set out to right away begin with the, well, sending of his cousin to secure an invitation to that week's game. It was easy, truly, all Robert the Inept had to do was find a noble woman, charm the skirts off of her (even 3 out of the customary 5 would do) and convince her that all of her woes would be over once her and him would legally unite forever in a wedding to be paid for by the winnings from the royal bout. Easy, if one only used their brains as King Robert always did. His cousin, he would come to be reminded, did not share the monarch's vast experience in neuronal activity of even the simplest kind. It was thus that, even though he luckily chanced upon a fair and noble maiden (if by 'chanced' one would mean 'Robert the Schemer laid a trap for the lady's carriage on the main road passing through the forest and leading to the castle'), the Inept Robert ended up being, to put it gently, too candid regarding his intentions and so, very close to losing all possible favors from her ladyship. Grunting and muttering to himself in an indecipherable Irish dialect (some might add sexily indecipherable, if some were the king and his close relative), Aaron the Angry then stepped in and made his acquaintance with the high-born traveler. Her name, as it turned out, was Victoria the Wide-eyed, though no history books manage to agree on the question of how she had been given this nickname and she herself appeared rather clueless as to the meaning behind this baffling moniker. The two soon developed a perfect rapport during a conversation that expanded to include almost everything, from bundles of sticks to witches. This garnered Aaron an invitation to the castle and even an amused wink in Robert the Inept's direction from the Lady Victoria.

This turn of events would have most likely been described as 'saving the day' for the Roberts had it not been for the disastrous results of the card game. Robert the Schemer had devised beforehand for the cousins a whole infallible system of secret signs which would have surely guaranteed them victory regardless of what cards they had been dealt, but the inepter Robert was mainly in tune with a bowl of pineapples served at the cards table. As the game progressed badly for the two cousins and they lost more and more of their initial fortune, the Scottish king had made the decision to expose his identity to his English counterpart and boldly place all of his bets on one final round, a double or nothing play with 'double' being the kingdom of Scotland itself. This was a fantastic move, the Scottish monarch was fully assured of this, even as some contemporary reports mention a thunderous rolling of eyes from the back of the room, suspiciously close to where Aaron had been stood, watching the entire game. To King Robert's disappointment, Ross the Bastard was able to disguise his utter shock and surprise at the reveal of his guests' identity (there was no doubt the Englishman was completely befuddled, for the disguise of a fake ginger beard worn by only one of the cousins could not have been more well planned… It is evident that King Ross, being the bastard that his name clearly indicated he was, simply did not want to admit that he too, like anyone would, loves some twists and turns and enjoys a good reveal), but he quickly agreed to the new stakes. This is how the final round of the game had begun. And had ended, less than five minutes later, with the scheming king's total defeat. The two cousins, the schemer and the inept, eyed each other and desperation is said to have been clearly visible upon their faces (beheadings, after all, were quite popular solutions for kings without kingdoms and their kinsmen who might one day have a claim to the lost throne). It was then that Aaron the Angry's sword was jabbed into King Ross' back, resulting in the latter's being forced to give up all claims to the Kingdom of Scotland, as well as handing over quite a few pieces of jewelry (it was quite a happy coincidence that he and the other guests present at the game carried so many valuables on their own persons, almost as if some hastily sketched plot had called for it).

This tale of how at the end of the day, Aaron the Angry ended up saving the backsides of the two cousins is also the beginning of the scholarly debate on whether he was tapping the aforementioned royal backsides. As the Roberts' camp people recounted hearing more than once Aaron's voice as part of a choir of distinctly sex-related noises from the royal tent from that night on, the major issue that remains in academics' minds is whether the angry Irishman was the consort of just one of or of both men. While some may find the latter speculation scandalous, scholars have pointed out that this option would not fall outside the scope of the angry Chief's family habits. All three would go on to have many more adventures together (and even more so, misadventures). Despite (or in accordance with) this, Robert the Schemer's position as the greatest of Scotland's kings was forever lost. Then again, going by the incredibly expressive and loud noise that was reported to have erupted on a regular basis from the royal tent after this campaign, he may not have cared for that title as much anymore.


End file.
